


Just Like You

by snnycarisi



Series: trans!sonny [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trans Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Trans Male Character, Transphobia, canon consistent mentions of rape, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-27 15:57:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18742288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: Sonny had known he was a boy since he was thirteen. By the time he was fourteen, he had come out to all of his sisters, who thankfully were as accepting as you could ask for, and when he was sixteen, he finally sat his parents down to tell them who he really was. By eighteen, he was on hormones and at twenty-one he had gotten top surgery. Now, at thirty-five, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between Sonny and any other cisgender man. Which is why barely anyone that he had met after beginning his transition knew. And why should they know?





	Just Like You

“So you’re tellin’ me our victims not a really man… uh,  _ he’s  _ transgender?” Sonny couldn’t breathe, Amanda’s words hitting far closer to home than anyone in the the squad could know. 

 

Sonny had known he was a boy since he was thirteen, when he got his first period. He had felt a crushing sense of dread he couldn’t place at first, feeling his world collapse around him as he had finally ‘become a woman’. He hid in his room all night sobbing; inconsolable and heartbroken. When Teresa found him, she questioned the devastated child, Sonny looked up at her through wet lashes, stuttering out, “I just don’t wanna be a woman ‘Resa!”

 

By the time he was fourteen, he had come out to all of his sisters, who thankfully were as accepting as you could ask for. He cut his hair and gave all of his dresses to Bella (who then became his biggest supporter) despite the protest from his mother. He knew his parents loved him, and part of him knew they always would, no matter what. But a larger part of him was consumed with fear that his parents losing a daughter would not then gain them a son. He knew his parents loved him but every time his mother nagged about how he would regret chopping off his beautiful long hair, or his father chuckled at the thought of Sonny going on his fishing trip with the other dads, anxiety swelled in his stomach. 

 

When he was sixteen, he finally sat his parents down to tell them who he really was. Gina had offered to sit in and moderate if things got out of hand, but Sonny knew he had to do this himself. His mother cried- this was expected and not necessarily a bad thing, it just meant she was overwhelmed. His father was silent- this was probably a bad thing, Dad was always talking, sometimes Sonny thought he spoke in his sleep. After two long, tense minutes of silence, his father cleared his throat and began to speak. 

 

“Dominique, your Ma and I- you know we’re always gonna love you right? Ma’s a little upset right now because she’s lost her little girl, but you know what? I’m real happy. I reckon three girls is enough right? I’m glad I’ve got a son now. I love you to the moon and back, kid.” Sonny began to cry. His father pulled him into a bone-crushing hug and in that moment, he knew everything was going to be okay. His mother snapped out of her daze, then.

 

“I’m not upset because of what your father said, I’m upset because you felt like you couldn’t tell us. I mean, what kind of a Ma am I when my own child can’t even tell me what’s goin’ on?” She looked at her husband for confirmation, then continued. “Baby, I never want you to feel like you can’t talk to me ever again okay? Dad’s right, we’re gonna love ya forever.”

 

From that moment on, his parents had called him Son or Sonny, almost exclusively. The name stuck. 

 

By eighteen, he was on hormones and at twenty-one he had gotten top surgery. Now, at thirty-five, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between Sonny and any other cisgender man. Which is why barely anyone that he had met after beginning his transition knew. And why should they know? It wasn’t like it changed anything about him, and unless they were trying to get in his pants, why  _ should  _ they know what was down there?

Back to their victim. Alex Frazier, forty-two and single. Raped in an alley outside of a club the night before when he had gone out for a cigarette. He hadn’t seen his attacker and didn’t recognise anything about him- they knew it was going to be a hard case to begin with. Alex hadn’t mentioned he was transgender until the rape kit had come back, adding a whole new layer of difficulty to the case. 

 

“He’s a transgender man, yes. This changes everything; we need to be looking into the perp’s motive, if this was a hate crime or a coincidence. Carisi, you and Rollins go reinterview the victim, see if bringing it up changes the details in his story at all.”  Sonny tried to answer Olivia but the words died in his throat. He settled for a nod in her direction before getting up and leaving the precinct. He really did not know if he would be able to get through the interview without breaking down. He’d seen transgender victims before, and it confused him as to  _ why  _ this was affecting him as much as it was. Whatever it was, he put all of his energy into keeping himself together, so Amanda wouldn’t get suspicious. 

 

They spent the first five minutes of the car ride to the hospital in total silence- a rare feat for the pair. Amanda finally broke the silence, asking, “What’s going on with you? You’ve been kind  _ off  _ all morning.” She wasn’t stupid and it was kind of obvious how upset he was.

 

“‘M fine. Just not feeling well.” He grunted out. He knew he shouldn’t have been so short with her but in the moment he really couldn’t bring himself to care. His phone pinged then, and thankful for the distraction, Sonny opened it seeing a message from his boyfriend.

 

_ Rafi<3: Liv told me about the break in your case… how are you doing? _

 

Sonny had almost forgotten Rafael would be prosecuting this case. They had been together nearly a year now, and of course he knew of Sonny’s situation. It made him feel a little better knowing that someone understood what was going on, but he still had a job to do and couldn’t waste time dwelling in his own feelings. 

 

_ Sonny: going to interview the vic now, talk later? _

 

_ Rafi<3: Of course. Good luck, my phone is on if you need anything _

_ Rafi<3: Take care of yourself ok? I love you _

 

Sonny blinked rapidly, forcing himself not to cry. He didn’t deserve Rafael.

 

When they arrived in the hospital room, Alex was lying in his bed staring at the ceiling- it was obvious he was not coping well. 

 

“Hey, Alex. I’m Det. Rollins, and this is my partner Det. Carisi, we’ve got a few questions for you if you’re feeling up to it?” Amanda phrased it like a question, but Sonny knew there was no way they were leaving that room without answers.

 

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.” He mumbled, still staring up at the sterile, white hospital walls. Sonny felt rage boiling in his stomach, something he often felt when first seeing how raw a victim was. He was utterly determined to catch the bastard that did this. 

 

“Alex- call me Sonny if you want- we gotta ask, how come you didn’t tell us you were transgender last night?” It was what he was supposed to ask, he knew that, but he still couldn’t help the hatred he felt for those words. He also already knew the answer, but Amanda couldn’t know that.

 

“What does it matter? It’s not like it changes anything,” Alex turned his head, glaring at Sonny. 

 

Sensing his disenchantment with Sonny, Amanda jumped in instead. “Well, right now we don’t know that. Does anyone else know? Are you in any support groups or, I don’t know, pride groups?” 

 

Alex looked horrified, the thought that this could have been a targeted attack slowly dawning on him. Sonny wished he could look away. “So you think that’s  _ why  _ he did this to me? Oh my god I- you think he knew beforehand? No. No absolutely not. He couldn’t- pretty much no one knows about me, how would a stranger?” Hysteria rising in his voice, Alex’s desperate eyes searched both Sonny’s and Amanda’s for answers. 

 

“Like I said, we still don’t know that. But I won’t lie to you, it is a possibility. Why don’t we start with a list of people that do know.” 

 

He gave a list. Well, Sonny assumed he did but he was no longer listening. He felt bile rising in his throat and the world around him went fuzzy. Alex and him were so similar, it terrified him and made him furious. Furios with the man that did this to Alex and furious with himself for being so affected. He was not a victim, he would not be a victim and at the end of the day this had absolutely nothing to do with him. He breathed in deeply and realised Amanda was speaking to him. 

 

“Detective, did you get that?” She kept her voice professional, but her eyes were soft with concern. 

 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah I got it.” Sonny also had to keep some air of professionality.

 

Amanda nodded, knowing he was lying. “Okay, we’ll talk later Alex, if we have more questions.” Both detectives exited his room.

 

“Facebook group. The privacy settings are high and only transmen are allowed to join- it’s pretty much his only tie to the trans community. I’ll fill Liv in and have TARU check it out, you go home. I don’t wanna catch whatever you’ve got.” If she knew he wasn’t really sick, she didn’t show it. Sonny was endlessly thankful for a way out, though. 

 

“Thanks ‘Manda, hopefully I’ll sleep it off.” He turned away, calling an uber. Sleep would do him good, he just doubted he would be able to until this case was over. 

 

In the uber, he decided he really did not want to be alone all night with his thoughts, and texted Rafael.

 

_ Sonny: heading home early, can you meet me there? _

 

_ Rafi<3: Be there in 10. _

 

Sonny lay on the couch, his head resting in his boyfriend’s lap, with Rafael caring his hands through Sonny’s hair. Safety and comfort washed over Sonny- something he hadn’t felt since that morning. Rafael knew the case was getting to him and was incredibly patient with Sonny, waiting for the younger man to bring up the reason he was so upset. Sonny, however, wanted to bury his head in the sand (or in his case, bury his head in Rafael’s lap) and pretend the events of that day hadn’t happened. 

 

“You need to take a break, cariño.” Rafael whispered, still pulling his fingers through Sonny’s greying hair. He wasn’t going to push it, but he knew Sonny had a tendency to ignore his problems until he was at breaking point. 

 

“I don’t  _ need  _ to do anything.” He snapped, instantly regretting it and adding, “I’m sorry. It’s just been a long day y’know?” Glancing up into his boyfriend’s eyes, he saw nothing but love and concern. “I don’t know why this is getting to me so much. I’ve seen this before- you remember the Avery Parker case? That was horrible but I could still be objective about it. I’m just so tired.” Tears welled in Sonny’s eyes at the truth of that statement. He was exhausted. Rafael pulled him up and engulfed him in a tight embrace, pressing kisses into his neck and hair. 

 

“She was a teenage girl, though. This is a man, who passes and has a normal life, just like any other cisman. Just like you. You’re really similar, and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that upsets you. Hell, it upsets  _ me _ .” Hot tears spilled down Sonny’s face, into the soft fabric of Rafael’s jumper. He clutched the material and sobbed while his boyfriend rubbed soothing circles on his back. It hadn’t occurred to him that Rafael would be upset or scared for him, but knowing that he was just made Sonny cry harder. 

 

“Pretending to be okay is taking up more of my energy than actually helping Alex, how can I be so selfish?” Sonny hated how small his voice sounded, but couldn’t do anything to change it. 

 

Rafael hesitated. “So stop pretending your okay.”

 

Sonny laughed, dry, humourless and utterly defeated. “I can’t because then everyone will find out about me.” The idea caused waves of anxiety through his gut, he couldn’t tell them- not now, not ever. 

 

“Why is that such a bad thing though?” He lifted Sonny’s chin up, so he could see into his damp eyes. “Cariño, I know you’re scared, but maybe it’s time? You know they’re not going to judge you, or think less of you-”

 

Sonny interrupted, anger now rising in his chest. “No, Rafi I don’t know that. There is no way for me to possibly know that and I’m not going to risk it.” He pushed himself away from his boyfriend and stood up, towering over the older man. He knew it was wrong to try and intimidate his partner, but right now all he needed was a bit of control. “You don’t understand what it’s like so stop trying to act like my saviour. You can go home now.”

 

Rafael looked incredibly apologetic, which only made Sonny feel worse. “Hey, I’m sorry okay? I’m just trying to understand so I can help-” 

 

“I don’t need your help! I don’t need you to drop everything and run to me like I’m some wounded puppy! I don’t want you to understand and right now I really don’t want you here, so please leave me the fuck alone!” Sonny was screaming now, face flushed red and tears still pouring down his cheeks. He didn’t know why he was saying all of this, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

 

That was when Rafael stopped looking sorry and started looking pissed. “Fine, I’ll go,” He raised his hands in mock-surrender. “But if you care at all about yourself, or me, you will find a way to step away from this case.” He moved towards the front door slowly, waiting for Sonny to take back what he said. He didn’t. Before he reached the door, Rafael huffed, sucked in his pride and turned around. “Sonny, baby, I love you. And it’s killing me to see you hurt yourself like this. If you need some space, I understand but you know I’m only a phone call away. And for the record, I don’t see you as a wounded puppy; you’re the strongest man I know and nothing will ever change that.” 

 

The weight of the day fell upon Sonny and, despite it only being four o’clock, he went to bed, crying himself into a dreamless, fitful sleep.

 

The next morning he was back in the precinct, against better judgement. It wasn’t like he could just not turn up, afterall. He took a deep breathe and asked, 

 

“Okay Lieu, what did I miss yesterday? Fill me in.”

 

And boy, was he thankful to have gone home when he did. When speaking to members of the Facebook group, it was discovered that five more of them had also been raped by the same man; they had a serial rapist targeting stealth transmen exclusively. And then, to add insult to injury, not a single one of the victims was willing to testify, so terrified of being outed they would risk a rapist going free. Sonny almost didn’t blame them. 

 

“Yeah its uh.. It’s not looking good. There was one guy who said, and I quote, ‘If my boss finds out, I’ll be fired. I’ll die before I testify.’” Sonny felt the now-familiar bile crawling up his throat. “They all say it’ll ruin their lives, some more dramatically than others. I wish I could understand why it’s so hard for them to have people find out.” Olivia was frustrated, and part of Sonny felt guilty for sympathising with them, the other part just loathed the general lack of understanding in cis people.

 

“You really don’t.” He spat out, far too vicious to be professional, but he didn’t care. Every story he heard about this disgusting rapist and his broken victims hurt so bad, Sonny just wanted everyone to feel the pain he felt. It wasn’t healthy, or acceptable, but that was the last thing on his mind as the words “I’ll die before I testify” floated around his head. 

 

Olivia froze, stunned by his sudden outburst and unsure of how to move forward from there. “Carisi, my office?” She phrased it like a question- it wasn’t.

 

When she closed the door to her office behind them, the realisation of what he had just done hit Sonny with such a force, he had to sit himself down atop the desk. She knew. He didn’t even have to tell her and she knew. She would probably tell everyone and then the whole department would know he was that token trans cop and he would never be able to live it down. He just wanted to die. 

 

“Is there something you want to tell me, Sonny?” The tenderness mixed with apprehensiveness in her voice was like she was speaking to a frightened animal. Sonny had never felt so ashamed in his life. What choice did he have now? He could tell her the truth before he was ready and suffer the possible consequences, or, he could lie to her face. Neither option seemed appealing. It wasn’t fair, why did it have to matter so much to him? He couldn’t lie to her, the guilt would be too much. 

 

“Yeah. I’m one of ‘em. I’m trans.” He stared up at her defiantly, praying he wouldn’t need to go into defensive mode but well prepared to do so. 

 

“This has been really hard on you, huh?” Olivia asked, voice steady and full of empathy. Sonny nodded, somewhat reluctantly. “You’re a good cop, Carisi. And a good man- nothing's gonna change that. Thank you for trusting me with this, I’m not going to tell anyone but I’m telling you now: no one here is going to judge you or do or say anything small-minded. And if they do? They can go through me.” She grinned through the last part, Sonny felt his smile growing too. Relief coursed through his body and he once again felt the euphoria of that little kid getting called Son for the first time. 

 

“Thanks, Lieu.” Voice thick with emotion, he didn’t need to say any more, he knew she understood his gratitude. 

 

“Oh, and you’re off the case and on desk duty until your ‘illness’ clears up, which I’m pretty sure will be around the time we catch our perp.” She winked and Sonny grinned even wider, nodded and moved to leave the office and start on his paperwork. Before he closed the door behind him, she touched his shoulder. 

 

“One more thing? Call your boyfriend. I don’t know what happened but he’s miserable and it’s getting on my nerves.” Sonny felt the colour rise in his face- in the turmoil of coming out to his boss, he had forgotten how horribly he had treated Rafael the night before. He quickly typed out a text message.

 

_ Sonny: wanna come over tonight and let me cook for you? An apology for what I said last night _

_ Sonny: i’m on desk duty now btw _

 

He knew it wasn’t good enough as an apology, but he had to start somewhere and didn’t want to have that conversation over text. 

 

_ Rafi<3: It better be freakin lobster if that’s all the apology I’m getting _

_ Rafi<3: I’m kidding _

_ Rafi<3: I’ll be there at 8. _

 

Sonny’s heart swelled, he truly didn’t deserve this man.

 

_ Sonny: i love you a lot, you know that? _

 

_ Rafi<3: Unfortunately.  _

 

That was how Sonny ended up curled up on his couch next to his boyfriend, limbs tangled together and empty bowls abandoned on the floor. The apology risotto had gone down smoothly and the pair held each other tightly as they watched some romcom Sonny couldn’t remember the name of. 

 

“This movie is stupid, Rafi.” Sonny teased, squealing when Rafael pinched his side in response. 

 

“No, you just don’t have the same refined taste in cinema as I do.” He sounded deadly serious, and his face remained stony, but his eyes were smiling. Sonny could read the older man like book and he wouldn't have it any other way. He placed a wet, sloppy kiss against Rafael’s cheek and grinned, suddenly overwhelmed with how much he loved that man. Rafael, attempting to look annoyed, wiped his cheek then interlaced their hands. 

 

Sonny lightly pulled his chin up, so their eyes met, and began the speech he had been preparing all day. “I’m really sorry for everything I said last night. I didn’t mean any of it and I’m so grateful for the way you try so hard to understand what I’m going through. I’m sorry that I’m such an asshole sometimes and I love you so much for putting up with it.” Rafael already knew all of this, which Sonny knew, but he still felt Rafael deserved to hear it- it was the least he could do after how he had acted the night before.

 

Rafael smiled- his softest, kindest smile he saved only for Sonny- and kissed the younger man with so much warmth and love, Sonny thought he might pass out.

“I know. But I think I’m an asshole enough of the time, it’s only fair you get your turn sometimes,” Sonny poked him in the ribs for the smartass reply. “I’m not going anywhere, mi sol, whether you like it or not.” Sonny rolled his eyes playfully, grin still plastered to his face. 

 

Sonny, tugging softly at the soft hair’s on the back of Rafael’s neck, pulled the attorney into a brief, but loving kiss. When they broke apart, he stayed close, breathing in the scent of coffee, risotto and  _ Rafael  _ that clung to his boyfriend, and began peppering his face with kisses he knew would tickle. Rafael giggled and swatted him away, playfully smacking him on the cheek and turning his body away. 

 

“God, would you stop looking so happy? You’re gonna make me cry,” Rafael asked, face now pressed into the crook of Sonny’s neck. Sonny began stroking his hair, gently. 

 

“I can’t, I love you too much.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated ! (yes I'm bad at replying to them but I'm trying to get better at it lmao)


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